Goals Revisited

About 18 months ago, I made a list of 45 things that I would like to do before my 45th birthday. Some of the goals were easy, some were hard - all were legitimately things I wanted to accomplish.The list was surprisingly fun to make. And, since I took it seriously, I feel like the goals I set for myself are both enriching and fulfilling. Thus far, I have been able to cross six things off the list. Take a look:

1. Publish a short story.
2. Take a photography class.
3. Return to London at least once. (Make that twice!)
4. Return to the National Gallery (London) to visit my favorite painting, Van Eyck’s “The Arnolfini Wedding.”
5. Go on a cruise.
6. Stay at the Chateau Frontenac in Quebec City.
7. Take voice lessons.
8. Sing in public. (Karaoke counts!)
9. Travel to Egypt.
10. Travel to Japan.
11. Spend more than $500 on a piece of jewelry for myself.
12. BUY a new car.
13. Visit Everglades National Park.
14. Clean up my credit score. (Stupid medical bills!)
15. See the Grand Canyon.
16. Get my CAPS designation
17. Fit into my high school jeans.
18. See David Bowie in concert.
19. Learn a martial art.
20. Plant and maintain a garden.
21. Finish a sewing project.
22. Fly first class.
23. Get another dog.
24. Pay for my parents to take a vacation somewhere amazing.
25. Own and operate a bookstore.
26. Consistently donate to a well-deserving cause/charity.
27. Start a scrapbook.
28. Learn how to properly change a flat tire.
29. Stay in an over-priced luxurious hotel suite for no particular reason.
30. Take dance lessons.
31. Act in a play.
32. Climb a mountain. (Okay – not really. How about a large “hill?”)
33. Ride in a helicopter.
34. Stand on the Great Wall of China.
35. Master the art of lucid dreaming.
36. Break out the ol’ flute and start consistently playing again.
37. Read “Anna Karenina” ALL the way through – no skipping the boring parts.
38. Parlay my editing skills into a decent side income.
39. Spend New Year’s Eve in Times Square
40. Try caviar. (I’ve had the opportunity; I just always say no.)
41. Climb the steps of a Mayan or Aztec pyramid.
42. Go on a safari.
43. Get a master’s degree.
44. Attend a film festival – Sundance, Tribeca, Telluride, etc.
45. See a play on Broadway.

A note on #19: the original goal was to learn how to shoot a gun. I changed it after deciding my friends probably would not allow me to learn to shoot a gun. However, this year, on my birthday, we went to a gun range and I did in fact fire off some rather large weapons. Consequently, I consider this goal to have been met. (Are YOU going to tell me any differently?)

To stay on track, I have set three more of these goals specifically for this year: sing in public, take a helicopter ride, and see the Grand Canyon. Oh, and I'm giving myself extra awesome points if the helicopter ride is over the Grand Canyon. The singing will actually be the most difficult since my normally pleasant voice turns into that of a croaking frog when faced with an audience. Oh, well - this list was supposed to be challenging; obviously, I succeeded in that respect.

I would ask you to wish me luck, dear readers, but you know me - I don't need it. :)

I'm BACK... from outerspace...

So, it's been nearly a year, gentle readers... do you ache for my snarkiness?

Well, ring the church bells and pull out your best parade bonnets - I am back! Life has done its level best to put me off this blog, but I've wrestled it to the ground and showed it who's boss. (In case you're having trouble following the metaphor: *points* There's life over there, hog-tied and prone. Here's me, winning and grinning.)

Anyway, what I'd like to discuss tonight is The Peter Principle. Now, before you snicker and/or warily type that phrase into Google, hands over your eyes in horrified anticipation, let's get a definition out:

"The Peter Principle is a belief that in an organization where promotion is based on achievement, success, and merit, that organization's members will eventually be promoted beyond their level of ability. The principle is commonly phrased, "employees tend to rise to their level of incompetence." In more formal parlance, the effect could be stated as: employees tend to be given more authority until they cannot continue to work competently. It was formulated by Dr. Laurence J. Peter and Raymond Hull in their 1969 book The Peter Principle."

Further more, dear readers: " 'Peter's Corollary states that "[i]n time, every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties" and adds that "work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence." "Managing upward" is the concept of a subordinate finding ways to subtly "manage" superiors in order to limit the damage that they end up doing.' "

Our scene opens on yours truly, having a heart to heart with a member of upper management at our corporate office. What began as a discussion of ways to improve a new training initiative quickly shifted into a tirade on the lack of consistency in recent promotions within the company. Said member of upper management confided in me (because she "trusts" and "respects" me) that she vehemently disagreed with several of the recent promotions and believed that certain individuals had been unequivocally elevated above their knowledge levels. (Me? I thought they'd been elevated above their intelligence levels, but that would be rude to say and well, I'm never rude, am I?)

Instead of openly agreeing, I demurred and returned the conversation to the subject with which I am most comfortable at the corporate level: the facts. I asked her if a set of parameters had been developed by which one could qualify for these upper positions. She admitted they had not. I asked if those recently promoted were now receiving training to at least better enable them to do the jobs they had achieved (but not earned). She admitted they were not. She went on to say that she feels that the most senior manager at the company, someone who has had more responsibility than any other manager to come before or after her, "doesn't have the skill set" to move up any further.

*sigh*

Thankfully, I have yet to reach my level of incompetence. (And truthfully, so has my boss.) Apparently though, I have nothing to worry about since my employer will very likely promote me regardless of tenure or acumen. Sadly, this means all accolades are suspect and all praise is worthless. This is probably not the time to mention I recently received several emails from the CEO and head of HR, congratulating me on being amazing, is it? Nor would anyone applaud my recent nomination for a state-sponsored award in my field, would they?

My dismay is resounding. No organization is perfect, but I truly believed my company was above this sort of "Office Space"-like behavior. Why work hard? Why bother to strive for excellence? I mean, even someone grounded in astounding personal ethics can be worn down in the face of such obvious nonsense.

And, quite frankly, some days I can be bribed with Twizzlers and the latest copy of Architectural Digest.

Reality tv hits a little close to home...

SpikeTV will soon begin showing a new series called “World’s Worst Tenants.” Here’s a promo for the show:

“The show joins Todd Howard, an evictor whose job description is to kick people out of their homes. Usually the people who get evicted aren't exactly upstanding citizens, and Todd encounters some seriously despicable, dirty, dangerous and just plain nuts people. Working with his business partner Rick and his wife Randy, the team goes to work at their 150-plus residences, commercial and retail properties. When these people don't pay their rent or violate their leases, it's time to go, and they don't always go willingly. Tune in to see all the hi-jinks that ensue in these real life tales of evictions on Spike TV's ‘World's Worst Tenants.’ “

Umm...yeah. I’ve been saying someone needed to make this show for years... as have hundreds of other people around the country in my line of work. People are crazy, crazy, crazy and dirty, dirty, dirty. Sometimes it’s the ones you expect and sometimes it’s the ones you’d never believe. The toothless, tube top-wearing hilljack women with five kids and a cross-eyed dog? You’re not surprised when it turns out she has roaches and towering piles of garbage in the kitchen. But what about the well-dressed doctor who drives a BMW? Oh, he’s storing urine in jars in his garage and has a collection of over one thousand purple bowties in a large pile in his spare bedroom.

Sometimes tv helps our industry, but mostly it just harms it. I can’t tell you how many times a show like ‘Judge Judy’ gives residents false expectations about what they can and cannot do. Here’s my recurring nightmare scenario:

Me: “Good morning, Mr. Smith. What can we do for you today?”

Resident: “I have to move because I got in a fight with my girlfriend. I punched her in the face so she moved out. She was paying half the rent and now I can’t afford to live here anymore. So I’m moving.”

Me: “Well, Mr. Smith, first and foremost, you're a jerkface. Secondly, you’re in a lease through December, so you will be responsible for rent until 12/31 unless we are able to re-rent the apartment.”

Resident: *incredulous* “But that’s not fair! I don’t WANT to move – I HAVE to! SHE moved out! It’s not my fault!”

Me: “Mr. Smith, you signed a lease. You agreed that you would pay rent on this apartment through the end of December--”

Resident: “You’re not listening: I HAVE TO MOVE.”

Me: "I am listening, sir. Regardless of the situation, you signed a contract and so you are bound even if you leave.”

Resident: *sticks his finger in my face* “That’s ILLEGAL. You can’t charge me if I’m not living there! I know my rights! That's double indemnity derp derp derp derp....*continuous ranting*”

Me: “Let me guess, sir – you watch ‘Judge Judy’.”

Resident: “Yeah - how did you know?” (Obviously, I'm exaggerating to make a point. But the sad reality is that I have this conversation on a monthly - if not weekly - basis.)

There was also a segment on “Good Morning, America” a few years ago where the presenter advised people to “bargain with their landlords” if they felt they were paying too much rent. First of all, that may fly in New York (where the show is filmed), but most states have strict laws regarding the fair and equal offering of housing. To be brief, it’s illegal to be inconsistent with the pricing you offer similar prospects in similar situations. If Person A and Person B both come in on Tuesday and want to rent the same two-bedroom, I can’t give Person B a different price just because they dickered over it. We’re not a fish market; we don’t have the ability to haggle indiscriminately.

Anyway, I have some tenants to nominate for SpikeTV’s “World’s Worst Tenants,” starting with the guy who had an ongoing leak from his bathroom ceiling that he NEVER REPORTED. We eventually discovered it after we evicted him and had to tear out the whole ceiling and bathtub surround, remove tons of mold, and repair everything. Cost? $3700 in repairs. Would you like to let this gentleman come and live with you, Judge Judy?

Door A or Door B

As most of you know, I have some pretty serious decisions to make right about now… decisions that will affect my finances and my living situation. And they are the hardest kinds of decisions: the ones that impact people other than you.

So how do you go about deciding to wreck your life? :) I think the most important part is accepting that you can’t change what’s happening. The time you waste on hand-wringing and “why me” ’s is time you could be spending TRACKING DOWN THE PEOPLE WHO DID THIS TO YOU… *ahem*... I mean, is time you could be working on a solution to the issue at hand.

Now I’ve been called “level-headed” a time or two. So how does a level-headed person figure out what to do? First, I lock down all emotions and think about what I should do. I mentally list all the pros and cons of the situation, logically consider all possible outcomes, come to a conclusion, and then examine that conclusion for flaws. Then, I open the floodgates of irrationality and consider what I want to do. How does it make me feel? Can I make a final decision without guilt/regret? If all goes well, in the end I will make a compromise between emotion and logic; both sides of my brain can be happy.*

Do I ask for help? I don’t ask for advice, but I do ask for opinions. To be honest, what I’m really interested in is if you can come up with some brilliant insight that I haven’t already mulled over. Chances are, you can’t. After all, I am a genius and relentless in my pursuit of “situation extrapolation.” (Go ahead – try to smack me for my smugness. I already considered that possibility and prepared a distraction: wow - look at that goat in a beret! *runs*) Anyway, I’m like everyone else: I’m going to do what I’m going to do – regardless of what you say.

Soooo… I won’t take advice, but I do accept prayers, happy thoughts, and large sacks of cash.

*Incidentally, this is how I came up with my plan to deal with the Zombie Apocalypse. My logical side told me that I have no practical fighting skills (other than bottomless rage), but definite cruelty potential. My emotional side was acting all hard like I could kill a bunch of brain-eaters with my bare hands. I put the two sides together and decided that my Zombie Plan is to follow my friend Jeff around. He has dozens of guns and knows how to use them. And before you ladies get snippy about how I’m playing the stereotypical “damsel in distress” role, consider this: my first official duty as Jeff’s Gun Caddy will be to stab a zombie in the face with a ballpoint pen. Establish yourself as the craziest freak early on and no one will turn their back on you. Not exactly “in distress” here.

Le Freak, c'est chic.

Can someone please explain to me this obsession with James Franco? In every movie I've seen him in, the guy is either grinning like a moron or high as a kite... or both. And that's okay if you're playing the stupid drugged-out next door neighbor role, but Franco's up next as a super-genius-inventor/scientist-type in the new Planet of the Apes movie. C'mon - that's about as believable as Zach Galifianakis playing Stephen Hawking. To whit:

City by the Sea - drug addict (high!) and angsty

Tristan and Isolde - high and English

Milk - high and goofy and gay

Pineapple Express - high and goofy

Date Night - high and white trash

127 Hours - high and goofy and hacks off his arm

Your Highness - high and goofy and wears armor

And the guy isn't even good-looking - he's just goofy. Oh, and he's always smiling. Who does that? As my sister pointed out, he's perfect in his recent role as an egomaniacal artist/serial killer on General Hospital. Why? Because anyone who smiles that much is either a surfing pothead or a serial killer. There are no other possibilities. Oh, and I forgot to mention that the serial killer character's name is 'Franco.' I wonder how that conversation went....

General Hospital writer-type person: "So, James, your character is a complete psycho. He'll be torturing and killing off several characters over the course of a few months. He's completely fleshed out for you in your character bio packet there. Any questions?"

James Franco: "Yeeaaah... so can we change the character's name to my last name? 'Cause that'd be awesome." *cheesy grin*

Or maybe like this:

General Hospital writer-type person: "Mr. Franco, your character is called Benedetto Masterson and he's a stone-cold psycho. Any questions?'

James Franco: "Duhhh... what's his name? Bernie?"

Writer:" No, Benedetto."

James Franco: "Buford?"

Writer: "BEN-UH-DETTO. Benedetto."

James Franco: "Can we get high?"

Writer: *sigh* "How about we just call him Franco?"

James Franco: "Right on. Cool name."

Me, I'm betting the second one. Because despite the fact that Franco has two degrees, writes poetry, and runs his own production company, he sounds like a complete and total dunce every time he opens his mouth. Oh, and did I mention that he looks like he's high? All. The. Time.

So why all the hate for Franco? Because I want Hollywood to stop putting him in movies I would otherwise enjoy.

*brief pause for seething*

Not only will he be the aforementioned genius in Rise of the Planet of the Apes, but he will also play the titular character in Oz: the Great and Powerful. I guess one can hope he stays behind the curtain for most of the movie, yes? Oz was a charlatan, but HE WAS NOT HIGH AND/OR GOOFY. Okay - maybe he was goofy. But not James Franco goofy.

Untitled for a Reason

Yes, yes - I have not written a blog in a looong time. But I hate my job right now and I just generally want to stab people. You might think this would make me write more, but truth is that it makes me loathe to do anything.

Here's a peek at my soul-killing job:

A resident came in last week and tried to partially pay her rent. (This isn’t Bargain Bill’s, lady – we need payment in full. Could you go to the grocery store and offer the checkout clerk $100 for your $200 worth of groceries with a promise to come back later with the rest? No. Could you go to a clothing store and tell the salesperson you'll give her $20 for a shirt with a price tag of $90? NO. Then WHY do you think we would be any different?) We let her know that, as it states in her lease, we need payment in full. We give her back her check and tell her to keep it until she has it all. She says she can pay in full on the 9th. We remind her about the late fee on the 6th and tell her to definitely pay in full before the 10th as that is when we begin eviction proceedings on unpaid accounts. She leaves.

She receives a late letter on the 6th which reminds her of her balance, the late fee, and that we file on the 10th. The 9th rolls around – she doesn’t pay. On the 10th, we leave her a message because we still have not received payment and we are about to send her file to the attorney. We don’t hear back and we send over the file.

This morning, I open our outside dropbox to find that she had turned in the keys to her apartment and left me a lovely letter. Her letter, in short, says that we were extremely rude to her and that we should have “worked with her” to let her pay her rent partially. She proudly describes her four months worth of timely rental payments. She mentions several “complaints” she has about our community which, until now, have never been reported. Among these complaints is the supposed existence of a vaguely-described “jagged, rusted piece of metal” sticking out of the ground on which she almost cut her foot. She continues by saying that nowhere in her lease does it explicitly say we “will not work with people at any point in time.” She says we have different ideas about “moral obligations.” She says her attorney told her that we are required to allow her a reasonable amount of time to move out if she doesn’t pay her rent. She quotes several Indiana statutes concerning apartment rentals. She ends the letter by saying she has moved out and that we can contact her attorney (whose name she has not given me) with any questions.

Would you like to see my reply to her letter?

Dear Stupid, Fat Hilljack Woman with Kids from the Movie “The Hills Have Eyes,”

You, madame, are an idiot. Please allow me to elaborate.

1) Your lease explicitly states in Paragraph III that rent must be paid in full, without exception, by the 1st of each month. It also states that a late fee of $50 will be in effect on the 6th of the month if we have not received payment in full. It also states we will pursue the matter legally if rent is not paid in full and that you will be responsible for any attorney’s fees and/or courts costs incurred on your behalf.
2) I do not recall anyone holding a gun to your head the day you signed the lease. I do not recall your eyes rolling back in your head and/or you frothing at the mouth that day either. Therefore, I will assume you were of sound mind and body and not under duress when you entered into the contract. (The former is still debatable considering how epically stupid you are, but I digress...)
3) I am so glad you have access to the internet so that you can faithfully misquote Indiana statutes out of context. Unfortunately for you, I have more than a fifth grade education and am familiar with the law.
4) Your Stanley Kahn-esque and/or possibly imaginary attorney does not frighten me. I wear big girl britches.
5) I am glad you moved. Just looking at you gave me a rash.

In conclusion, I hope you get hit by a garbage truck full of burning diapers.

Hugs and Kisses,
Kelli

So that was my morning. My afternoon involved speaking to Child Protective Services about a resident at a different community who was arrested for leaving her four-year old unattended (in the street) for several hours. And my evening began with one of our perpetually drunk residents screaming at me on the phone because, according to her, the lights in her apartment “keep going on and off when she kicks the electrical outlet.”

On the way home, I bought my favorite British foodstuff, HobNobs, at the store to console myself… only to get home and discover they are the digestives kind. *slump* (If you don’t know what they are, I can’t explain. That’s what Wikipedia is for.)

Meanwhile, back at the compound: I am driving a rental this week since my car is in the shop being repaired after the harrowing life-or-death door-scraping catastrophe that was an old lady and her Dually. I exaggerate of course – it was minor as accidents go, but I’m grumpy and hyperbole is my friend. Anyway, they ironically gave me a rental that is the same make and model as my car. Good news is that I’m familiar with all the bells and whistles and the handling, so I don’t head butt the dashboard every time I brake. Bad news is that the car is a luxury version of my car with a bigger engine… *narrows eyes*… which means I’m going to hate my car for its powerless pickup once I get it back. Crap.

I have about twenty books I could review on here, but I don't have the mental energy - I need it all to do psychic battle with my cretinous residents. And I would like to update you on my short story progress, but it feels like it's still in the early stages and I don't like to talk about them until they're almost finished.

I will however plug some books I am excited about: Melissa Marr's "Graveminder" and Patrick Rothfuss' "A Wise Man's Fear." Read them now.

And now a bug just fell from the ceiling onto my head. *sigh* I'm leaving to go to veg on the couch...

People are stupid and I am, ipso facto, angry.

I am not loved by the general public; my job makes me the enemy of many. I have made people (men and women) cry and I have been called quite a few curse words (that I won’t bore you with here); I have even been threatened with bodily and psychic harm. (I had a maintenance technician who was a warlock. He was fired and subsequently vowed to put a curse on me.) But my favorite part of being a property manager is when tenants and/or their families attempt to make me feel guilty about enforcing our policies. They tell me I’ll “be sorry,” or that certain things will be “on [my] conscience.” They say I have “no heart” or that I don’t care.

Let’s be clear: it is not my job to care. It is my job to collect rent on the apartment for which you signed a lease. (In fact, “caring” – as my tenants define it - can quickly become a conflict of interest.) And it is my job to enforce the policies of my company as well as to observe the *many* laws/statutes governing the fair and equal sale/management of housing. Personal feelings cannot/do not enter into it. You want me to feel bad for you? Fine. I am sorry that you didn’t figure out how to pay your rent on time when you knew that it was due on the 5th and your check wouldn’t be coming ‘til the 6th. I am sorry that you chose to spend all of your money on Christmas presents, wrote us a bad check for your December rent, and are now being evicted in January. I am sorry that you allowed your abusive ex-boyfriend to move into your apartment (without our permission), that he attacked you, and that you now want out of your lease early because you don’t feel “safe.” I am sorry that you found a job in another state and want to move early without having to pay out your lease. I am sorry that you lost your job and can’t pay your rent. I am sorry that I can’t let you live here for free. I AM SORRY.

It’s all part of this culture of blame that we live in. Everything is someone else’s fault; blame whomever you have to in order to get an exception made. I’m not saying that I’ve never been a willing participant in this game, but I’ve certainly never called someone “monstrous” or told them they were “of Satan” because they wouldn’t waive a late fee. (Both are things I’ve been called.) I’ve never screamed into the phone so forcefully that I gave myself a heart attack (This happened to someone else in my business; a resident was complaining over the phone and got so upset that he had a heart attack.) And I’ve never tried to sue someone because he/she wouldn’t let me break a policy which I agreed to observe. (Tenant filed a claim against me because we kept her deposit after she moved out early.)

Take responsibility for yourself and your behavior, people. Alternatively, STAY AWAY FROM MY APARTMENT COMPLEXES.