Reality tv hits a little close to home...

SpikeTV will soon begin showing a new series called “World’s Worst Tenants.” Here’s a promo for the show:

“The show joins Todd Howard, an evictor whose job description is to kick people out of their homes. Usually the people who get evicted aren't exactly upstanding citizens, and Todd encounters some seriously despicable, dirty, dangerous and just plain nuts people. Working with his business partner Rick and his wife Randy, the team goes to work at their 150-plus residences, commercial and retail properties. When these people don't pay their rent or violate their leases, it's time to go, and they don't always go willingly. Tune in to see all the hi-jinks that ensue in these real life tales of evictions on Spike TV's ‘World's Worst Tenants.’ “

Umm...yeah. I’ve been saying someone needed to make this show for years... as have hundreds of other people around the country in my line of work. People are crazy, crazy, crazy and dirty, dirty, dirty. Sometimes it’s the ones you expect and sometimes it’s the ones you’d never believe. The toothless, tube top-wearing hilljack women with five kids and a cross-eyed dog? You’re not surprised when it turns out she has roaches and towering piles of garbage in the kitchen. But what about the well-dressed doctor who drives a BMW? Oh, he’s storing urine in jars in his garage and has a collection of over one thousand purple bowties in a large pile in his spare bedroom.

Sometimes tv helps our industry, but mostly it just harms it. I can’t tell you how many times a show like ‘Judge Judy’ gives residents false expectations about what they can and cannot do. Here’s my recurring nightmare scenario:

Me: “Good morning, Mr. Smith. What can we do for you today?”

Resident: “I have to move because I got in a fight with my girlfriend. I punched her in the face so she moved out. She was paying half the rent and now I can’t afford to live here anymore. So I’m moving.”

Me: “Well, Mr. Smith, first and foremost, you're a jerkface. Secondly, you’re in a lease through December, so you will be responsible for rent until 12/31 unless we are able to re-rent the apartment.”

Resident: *incredulous* “But that’s not fair! I don’t WANT to move – I HAVE to! SHE moved out! It’s not my fault!”

Me: “Mr. Smith, you signed a lease. You agreed that you would pay rent on this apartment through the end of December--”

Resident: “You’re not listening: I HAVE TO MOVE.”

Me: "I am listening, sir. Regardless of the situation, you signed a contract and so you are bound even if you leave.”

Resident: *sticks his finger in my face* “That’s ILLEGAL. You can’t charge me if I’m not living there! I know my rights! That's double indemnity derp derp derp derp....*continuous ranting*”

Me: “Let me guess, sir – you watch ‘Judge Judy’.”

Resident: “Yeah - how did you know?” (Obviously, I'm exaggerating to make a point. But the sad reality is that I have this conversation on a monthly - if not weekly - basis.)

There was also a segment on “Good Morning, America” a few years ago where the presenter advised people to “bargain with their landlords” if they felt they were paying too much rent. First of all, that may fly in New York (where the show is filmed), but most states have strict laws regarding the fair and equal offering of housing. To be brief, it’s illegal to be inconsistent with the pricing you offer similar prospects in similar situations. If Person A and Person B both come in on Tuesday and want to rent the same two-bedroom, I can’t give Person B a different price just because they dickered over it. We’re not a fish market; we don’t have the ability to haggle indiscriminately.

Anyway, I have some tenants to nominate for SpikeTV’s “World’s Worst Tenants,” starting with the guy who had an ongoing leak from his bathroom ceiling that he NEVER REPORTED. We eventually discovered it after we evicted him and had to tear out the whole ceiling and bathtub surround, remove tons of mold, and repair everything. Cost? $3700 in repairs. Would you like to let this gentleman come and live with you, Judge Judy?

Door A or Door B

As most of you know, I have some pretty serious decisions to make right about now… decisions that will affect my finances and my living situation. And they are the hardest kinds of decisions: the ones that impact people other than you.

So how do you go about deciding to wreck your life? :) I think the most important part is accepting that you can’t change what’s happening. The time you waste on hand-wringing and “why me” ’s is time you could be spending TRACKING DOWN THE PEOPLE WHO DID THIS TO YOU… *ahem*... I mean, is time you could be working on a solution to the issue at hand.

Now I’ve been called “level-headed” a time or two. So how does a level-headed person figure out what to do? First, I lock down all emotions and think about what I should do. I mentally list all the pros and cons of the situation, logically consider all possible outcomes, come to a conclusion, and then examine that conclusion for flaws. Then, I open the floodgates of irrationality and consider what I want to do. How does it make me feel? Can I make a final decision without guilt/regret? If all goes well, in the end I will make a compromise between emotion and logic; both sides of my brain can be happy.*

Do I ask for help? I don’t ask for advice, but I do ask for opinions. To be honest, what I’m really interested in is if you can come up with some brilliant insight that I haven’t already mulled over. Chances are, you can’t. After all, I am a genius and relentless in my pursuit of “situation extrapolation.” (Go ahead – try to smack me for my smugness. I already considered that possibility and prepared a distraction: wow - look at that goat in a beret! *runs*) Anyway, I’m like everyone else: I’m going to do what I’m going to do – regardless of what you say.

Soooo… I won’t take advice, but I do accept prayers, happy thoughts, and large sacks of cash.

*Incidentally, this is how I came up with my plan to deal with the Zombie Apocalypse. My logical side told me that I have no practical fighting skills (other than bottomless rage), but definite cruelty potential. My emotional side was acting all hard like I could kill a bunch of brain-eaters with my bare hands. I put the two sides together and decided that my Zombie Plan is to follow my friend Jeff around. He has dozens of guns and knows how to use them. And before you ladies get snippy about how I’m playing the stereotypical “damsel in distress” role, consider this: my first official duty as Jeff’s Gun Caddy will be to stab a zombie in the face with a ballpoint pen. Establish yourself as the craziest freak early on and no one will turn their back on you. Not exactly “in distress” here.

Le Freak, c'est chic.

Can someone please explain to me this obsession with James Franco? In every movie I've seen him in, the guy is either grinning like a moron or high as a kite... or both. And that's okay if you're playing the stupid drugged-out next door neighbor role, but Franco's up next as a super-genius-inventor/scientist-type in the new Planet of the Apes movie. C'mon - that's about as believable as Zach Galifianakis playing Stephen Hawking. To whit:

City by the Sea - drug addict (high!) and angsty

Tristan and Isolde - high and English

Milk - high and goofy and gay

Pineapple Express - high and goofy

Date Night - high and white trash

127 Hours - high and goofy and hacks off his arm

Your Highness - high and goofy and wears armor

And the guy isn't even good-looking - he's just goofy. Oh, and he's always smiling. Who does that? As my sister pointed out, he's perfect in his recent role as an egomaniacal artist/serial killer on General Hospital. Why? Because anyone who smiles that much is either a surfing pothead or a serial killer. There are no other possibilities. Oh, and I forgot to mention that the serial killer character's name is 'Franco.' I wonder how that conversation went....

General Hospital writer-type person: "So, James, your character is a complete psycho. He'll be torturing and killing off several characters over the course of a few months. He's completely fleshed out for you in your character bio packet there. Any questions?"

James Franco: "Yeeaaah... so can we change the character's name to my last name? 'Cause that'd be awesome." *cheesy grin*

Or maybe like this:

General Hospital writer-type person: "Mr. Franco, your character is called Benedetto Masterson and he's a stone-cold psycho. Any questions?'

James Franco: "Duhhh... what's his name? Bernie?"

Writer:" No, Benedetto."

James Franco: "Buford?"

Writer: "BEN-UH-DETTO. Benedetto."

James Franco: "Can we get high?"

Writer: *sigh* "How about we just call him Franco?"

James Franco: "Right on. Cool name."

Me, I'm betting the second one. Because despite the fact that Franco has two degrees, writes poetry, and runs his own production company, he sounds like a complete and total dunce every time he opens his mouth. Oh, and did I mention that he looks like he's high? All. The. Time.

So why all the hate for Franco? Because I want Hollywood to stop putting him in movies I would otherwise enjoy.

*brief pause for seething*

Not only will he be the aforementioned genius in Rise of the Planet of the Apes, but he will also play the titular character in Oz: the Great and Powerful. I guess one can hope he stays behind the curtain for most of the movie, yes? Oz was a charlatan, but HE WAS NOT HIGH AND/OR GOOFY. Okay - maybe he was goofy. But not James Franco goofy.

Untitled for a Reason

Yes, yes - I have not written a blog in a looong time. But I hate my job right now and I just generally want to stab people. You might think this would make me write more, but truth is that it makes me loathe to do anything.

Here's a peek at my soul-killing job:

A resident came in last week and tried to partially pay her rent. (This isn’t Bargain Bill’s, lady – we need payment in full. Could you go to the grocery store and offer the checkout clerk $100 for your $200 worth of groceries with a promise to come back later with the rest? No. Could you go to a clothing store and tell the salesperson you'll give her $20 for a shirt with a price tag of $90? NO. Then WHY do you think we would be any different?) We let her know that, as it states in her lease, we need payment in full. We give her back her check and tell her to keep it until she has it all. She says she can pay in full on the 9th. We remind her about the late fee on the 6th and tell her to definitely pay in full before the 10th as that is when we begin eviction proceedings on unpaid accounts. She leaves.

She receives a late letter on the 6th which reminds her of her balance, the late fee, and that we file on the 10th. The 9th rolls around – she doesn’t pay. On the 10th, we leave her a message because we still have not received payment and we are about to send her file to the attorney. We don’t hear back and we send over the file.

This morning, I open our outside dropbox to find that she had turned in the keys to her apartment and left me a lovely letter. Her letter, in short, says that we were extremely rude to her and that we should have “worked with her” to let her pay her rent partially. She proudly describes her four months worth of timely rental payments. She mentions several “complaints” she has about our community which, until now, have never been reported. Among these complaints is the supposed existence of a vaguely-described “jagged, rusted piece of metal” sticking out of the ground on which she almost cut her foot. She continues by saying that nowhere in her lease does it explicitly say we “will not work with people at any point in time.” She says we have different ideas about “moral obligations.” She says her attorney told her that we are required to allow her a reasonable amount of time to move out if she doesn’t pay her rent. She quotes several Indiana statutes concerning apartment rentals. She ends the letter by saying she has moved out and that we can contact her attorney (whose name she has not given me) with any questions.

Would you like to see my reply to her letter?

Dear Stupid, Fat Hilljack Woman with Kids from the Movie “The Hills Have Eyes,”

You, madame, are an idiot. Please allow me to elaborate.

1) Your lease explicitly states in Paragraph III that rent must be paid in full, without exception, by the 1st of each month. It also states that a late fee of $50 will be in effect on the 6th of the month if we have not received payment in full. It also states we will pursue the matter legally if rent is not paid in full and that you will be responsible for any attorney’s fees and/or courts costs incurred on your behalf.
2) I do not recall anyone holding a gun to your head the day you signed the lease. I do not recall your eyes rolling back in your head and/or you frothing at the mouth that day either. Therefore, I will assume you were of sound mind and body and not under duress when you entered into the contract. (The former is still debatable considering how epically stupid you are, but I digress...)
3) I am so glad you have access to the internet so that you can faithfully misquote Indiana statutes out of context. Unfortunately for you, I have more than a fifth grade education and am familiar with the law.
4) Your Stanley Kahn-esque and/or possibly imaginary attorney does not frighten me. I wear big girl britches.
5) I am glad you moved. Just looking at you gave me a rash.

In conclusion, I hope you get hit by a garbage truck full of burning diapers.

Hugs and Kisses,
Kelli

So that was my morning. My afternoon involved speaking to Child Protective Services about a resident at a different community who was arrested for leaving her four-year old unattended (in the street) for several hours. And my evening began with one of our perpetually drunk residents screaming at me on the phone because, according to her, the lights in her apartment “keep going on and off when she kicks the electrical outlet.”

On the way home, I bought my favorite British foodstuff, HobNobs, at the store to console myself… only to get home and discover they are the digestives kind. *slump* (If you don’t know what they are, I can’t explain. That’s what Wikipedia is for.)

Meanwhile, back at the compound: I am driving a rental this week since my car is in the shop being repaired after the harrowing life-or-death door-scraping catastrophe that was an old lady and her Dually. I exaggerate of course – it was minor as accidents go, but I’m grumpy and hyperbole is my friend. Anyway, they ironically gave me a rental that is the same make and model as my car. Good news is that I’m familiar with all the bells and whistles and the handling, so I don’t head butt the dashboard every time I brake. Bad news is that the car is a luxury version of my car with a bigger engine… *narrows eyes*… which means I’m going to hate my car for its powerless pickup once I get it back. Crap.

I have about twenty books I could review on here, but I don't have the mental energy - I need it all to do psychic battle with my cretinous residents. And I would like to update you on my short story progress, but it feels like it's still in the early stages and I don't like to talk about them until they're almost finished.

I will however plug some books I am excited about: Melissa Marr's "Graveminder" and Patrick Rothfuss' "A Wise Man's Fear." Read them now.

And now a bug just fell from the ceiling onto my head. *sigh* I'm leaving to go to veg on the couch...

People are stupid and I am, ipso facto, angry.

I am not loved by the general public; my job makes me the enemy of many. I have made people (men and women) cry and I have been called quite a few curse words (that I won’t bore you with here); I have even been threatened with bodily and psychic harm. (I had a maintenance technician who was a warlock. He was fired and subsequently vowed to put a curse on me.) But my favorite part of being a property manager is when tenants and/or their families attempt to make me feel guilty about enforcing our policies. They tell me I’ll “be sorry,” or that certain things will be “on [my] conscience.” They say I have “no heart” or that I don’t care.

Let’s be clear: it is not my job to care. It is my job to collect rent on the apartment for which you signed a lease. (In fact, “caring” – as my tenants define it - can quickly become a conflict of interest.) And it is my job to enforce the policies of my company as well as to observe the *many* laws/statutes governing the fair and equal sale/management of housing. Personal feelings cannot/do not enter into it. You want me to feel bad for you? Fine. I am sorry that you didn’t figure out how to pay your rent on time when you knew that it was due on the 5th and your check wouldn’t be coming ‘til the 6th. I am sorry that you chose to spend all of your money on Christmas presents, wrote us a bad check for your December rent, and are now being evicted in January. I am sorry that you allowed your abusive ex-boyfriend to move into your apartment (without our permission), that he attacked you, and that you now want out of your lease early because you don’t feel “safe.” I am sorry that you found a job in another state and want to move early without having to pay out your lease. I am sorry that you lost your job and can’t pay your rent. I am sorry that I can’t let you live here for free. I AM SORRY.

It’s all part of this culture of blame that we live in. Everything is someone else’s fault; blame whomever you have to in order to get an exception made. I’m not saying that I’ve never been a willing participant in this game, but I’ve certainly never called someone “monstrous” or told them they were “of Satan” because they wouldn’t waive a late fee. (Both are things I’ve been called.) I’ve never screamed into the phone so forcefully that I gave myself a heart attack (This happened to someone else in my business; a resident was complaining over the phone and got so upset that he had a heart attack.) And I’ve never tried to sue someone because he/she wouldn’t let me break a policy which I agreed to observe. (Tenant filed a claim against me because we kept her deposit after she moved out early.)

Take responsibility for yourself and your behavior, people. Alternatively, STAY AWAY FROM MY APARTMENT COMPLEXES.

Reviews Continued - wherein Kelli follows through on her promise.

Sooner rather than later (as promised), here are the rest of my reviews. And I already have another five books to review - I hope to have those up here before I leave in early February on my cruise. Enjoy!

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"The Help"
by Kathryn Stockett

Told from the perspective of three woman - one white, two black - this novel explores the tense, compelling, and sometimes poignant relationship between white women and their black maids in the South of the 1960's. Skeeter has just returned home from college only to find that her degree doesn't impress her family as much as a good marriage would; her usual confidante, her maid Constantine, has disappeared and no one will tell her why. Aibileen, a black maid for one of Skeeter's friends, is raising her seventeenth white child while grieving over the loss of her own son. And Minny, Aibileen's friend, has just lost another job for sassing her white employer; Minny finds employment with someone too new in town to know her reputation, but this white women has secrets of her own. The three women, seemingly the unlikeliest of heroines, band together for a secret project that puts their reputations - and even their lives - at stake. Based on Stockett's own experiences growing up in the "recovering racist" town of Jackson, Mississippi, "The Help" is a story about the lines we tolerate and those we defiantly cross.

Kelli's Thoughts: Comical and heartbreaking, this book is one of the most refreshing "best sellers" I've read in a long time. The characters are fully formed - not caricatures - and each tells her story with a clear, unique, and powerful voice. The only drawback in my opinion is that the visual descriptions suffer a bit because of the concentration on characterization and dialogue; I didn't really feel the hot summer nights in the black shantytown, or the haughty atmosphere of the all-white Junior League meetings. A film version will be coming out soon; hopefully, they keep the strong characters AND give us some good visuals as well.

Overall Ratings: 4 out of 5 stars

You Will Enjoy This Book if You Like: "The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Society" by Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows, or "The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks" by Rebecca Skloot

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"Matched"
by Ally Condie

For Cassia, nothing is left to chance (or choice) - not what she will eat, not the job she will have, not her activities in her spare time, nor the man she will marry. In "Matched," Society Officials have determined optimal outcomes for all aspects of daily life (including the time of your death), thereby removing the "burden" of choice. Things such as writing and the owning of personal items are forbidden, seen as roadblocks to an equal and fair society. When Cassia's best friend Xander is identified as her ideal marriage Match it reaffirms her belief that Society knows best... that is until she plugs in her Match microchip and a different boy’s face flashes on the screen. This strange mistake (from a society that doesn't make them) leads Cassia down a dangerous path to the previously unthinkable - rebelling against the "perfect" predetermined life Society has in store for her.

Kelli's Thoughts: This book has similar themes to the Hunger Games trilogy - dystopian society of the future, initially innocent heroine who becomes jaded - but this story focuses on romance where the Hunger Games books focused on violence. The main character is really only rebelling because of a boy from the wrong side of the tracks who she's told she can't have. Interesting themes, bad dialogue: the author has this weird need to end each chapter with some kind of homily. An example would be when Cassia says, "It felt strange to be rebelling this way against rules I was previously accustomed to. But maybe we all rebel in some ways?" It seems like she wants it to come off as deep and thought-provoking, but it just ends up being awkward and actually made me feel disrespected as a reader. Granted, this is YA fiction... but I was never that dumb, even at 14.

Overall Rating: 2.5 out of 5 stars

You Will Enjoy This Book if You Like: *shudder* "Twilight" - but only if you're the kind of person who would never admit to liking it. Also, Lois Lowry's "The Giver"

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"Fallen" and "Torment"
by Lauren Kate

In "Fallen," Luce must spend her senior year at the Sword & Cross reform school after her boyfriend dies in a mysterious fire. Did the dark shadows that have tormented her all of her life have something to do with it? Or is she, as she fears, going insane? When Luce meets fellow student Daniel, she feels a familiar longing, making her believe they have met before. When she pursues him and tries to discuss her feelings of deja vu, Daniel cryptically tells her that the truth would kill her as it has many times before. And then there's the charming Cam: Luce wants to like him, but something just feels wrong about him. Strange deaths, homicidal Goth girls, unwanted advances, and a seemingly unrequited crush - all plague Luce's steps at her new school. As Luce figures out that her classmates are decidedly unnatural, she also discovers that this life may not have been her first.

In "Torment," Luce has discovered the true nature of her relationship with Daniel, but not all secrets have been revealed. In an effort to protect her, Daniel removes Luce from Sword & Cross and places her in another boarding school, the hippie-ish Shoreline. Although his pact with Cam prevents him from doing so, Daniel sneaks in to see Luce, confusing their relationship even more. Her training at Shoreline is helping Luce to fight back against the shadows that previously plagued her... but it's also giving her the confidence to take it one step further and try to control them. Will Luce ever truly understand the supernatural war going on around her? Will Daniel ever trust her enough to tell her the truth about who he is and who she was?

Kelli's Thoughts: I really enjoyed these. (However, I am currently also obsessed with YA fiction, sooo... others may not share my appreciation!) Not too much of a spoiler here: these books deal with the concept of fallen angels. The plot of both revolves around lovers who find one another, only to lose one another over and over again in a story that spans centuries. Both play with the idea that Good and Evil are less black and white, and more shades of gray; basically, the idea of a "bad guy" is relative, history is written by the winning side, etc. The books are a little angsty, but not to a sickening degree. Luce as a main character is a somewhat maddening (Why doesn't she draw the obvious conclusions?) and a little too gaga over Daniel. The story caught my interest more than anything; it's interesting and fairly well-plotted. Nutshell: I will be buying the third book when it comes out, but I won't feel the need to get it the day it comes out.

Overall Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

You Will Enjoy This Book if You Like: The House of Night novels by PC and Kristin Cast
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That's all for now, chickadees!

Book Reviews or "How I got lost on the way to my blog."

I am alive, gentle readers! When you get a load of the list of books below, you'll understand my reticence to begin this post. (i.e. I have a crapload to review) Shall we begin?

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"My Stroke of Insight"
by Jill Bolte Taylor, Ph.D.

First of all, I need to preface this review by saying that I expected something completely different from this book than what I got, and that this will inevitably color my review of it. I picked this book up after listening to an interview with Bolte Taylor on NPR. Based on the interview, I thought the book would be a kind of instruction manual on how to tap into previously inaccessible portions of your brain; Bolte Taylor promised as much when speaking with NPR. Instead, the book was as is described below:

Jill Bolte Taylor, a brain scientist with Harvard training, had a massive stroke in 1996. This book details her thoughts and actions during the actual stroke as well her eight-year recovery. Bolte Taylor's focus is on how the stroke changed her relationship with her mind and her surroundings.

The first half of the book concerns the actual stroke; Bolte Taylor describes how she witnessed herself having a stroke and the subsequent feeling of peace that followed when her (logical) left brain shut down and her (intiutive, kinesthetic) right brain became dominant. She methodically delineates *each* step she took to make the cognitive leaps between realizing what she needed to do to get help for herself and actually making her poorly functioning body react to those realizations. Kelli's thoughts: this part - which may be extremely interesting to scientists and/or medical practitioners - was a little long for my liking. I mean, she spends 28 pages just describing the onset of the stroke and how she had to labor to make a phone call to alert someone to her condition. Basically, you have to slog through this part to get to the good stuff.

In the second half of the book, Bolte Taylor writes from a post-recovery perspective and provides examples of how living with a damaged left brain for eight years changed her relationship with the world and with her own body. To quote Bolte Taylor, "When the cells in my left brain became nonfunctional because they were swimming in a pool of blood, they lost their ability to inhibit the cells in my right hemisphere. In my right brain, I shifted into the consciousness of the present moment. I was in the right here, right now awareness, with no memories of my past and no perception of the future. The beauty of La-la land (my right hemisphere experience of the present moment) was that everything was an explosion of magnificent stimulation and I dwelled in a space of euphoria. This is great way to exist if you don't have to communicate with the external world or care whether or not you have the capacity to learn."

After having spent so much time cocooned in her right brain, she realized the peace and tranquility therein. As she recovered, Bolte Taylor practiced forging connections with that peace, so that she was able to tap into it despite her left hemisphere's growing dominance. She did this by focusing on sensory stimulation (and deprivation), meditation, and making a conscious effort to be in control of the complex circuitry of her brain. Kelli's thoughts: now, THIS, is the good stuff. Did you know that you are in complete control of "the anger circuit" in your brain? Once you become angry, your brain begins a 90-second circuit which produces physiological responses - things like a reddened face, elevated blood pressure, heightened breathing. After those 90 seconds pass, you are back in control... if you choose to be. Essentially, you can't blame anyone for your actions when you're mad but yourself; and if you're still upset after 90 seconds, then it's because you're allowing yourself to be so. I know - awesome stuff, right? And there are more of these gems in the second half of the book.

Overall Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

You Will Enjoy This Book if You Like: books by Dr. Sanjay Gupta... or are a brain scientist!

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"Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter"
by Seth Grahame-Smith

It's 1888 in rural Indiana and, in a dimly-lit one-room cabin, Abraham Lincoln watches his mother slip away due to a deadly illness. Only later does he uncover the truth: her affliction was actually caused by a vampire. From then on, Lincoln devotes himself to a life of seeking out and destroying vampires and their slave-owning allies. Graham-Smith has reconstructed the "true" life story of our greatest president for the first time, thereby revealing the hidden history behind the Civil War and uncovering the role vampires played in the birth, growth, and near-death of the United States.

Kelli's thoughts: Ugh. This book seemed SO promising. Alas, it is stupid and possibly a bit insulting as well. Without spoiling it for anyone who may be so unfortunate as to believe that he/she should *still* read it even after my bad review, let me just say that there are some big unanswered questions here: for example, why doesn't Lincoln ever share the existence of this threat with the rest of the country? Also, (and more importantly) the author's decision to reduce slavery to a mere intrigue of the vampires is repulsive to say the least.

Overall Rating: 0 out of 5 stars - this book wasted my time and made me mad.

You Will Enjoy This Book if You Like: I'm at a loss here... other boring books that belittle the oppression of an entire race of people?

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"The Passage"
by Justin Cronin

This is an epic story about a man-made virus that nearly destroys humanity, and the six-year-old girl who holds the key to its survival. "The Passage" takes the reader from the early days of the virus to the aftermath of the destruction, where packs of the infected roam the desolate cities looking for food, and the survivors eke out a bleak, brutal existence.

Kelli's thoughts: Beautifully-constructed story that takes you in from the first page and won't let you go until the last. The author identifies his "virals" as vampires, but these are not sexy, sparkly vampires; they're closer to the old-school Nosferatus... but maybe with a dose of the creation from "The Fly." They're man-made and military-bred - definitely an original creation of the author's; these vampires are hairless, insect-like, glow-in-the-dark mutations who are inseparably linked to their makers and the young girl who could destroy them all. This book has a chokehold on the 'science' part of science fiction. I loved, loved, LOVED it. Don Chaon, a reviewer on Amazon, expresses it perfectly when he writes, "About three-quarters of the way through' The Passage,' I found myself in the grip of that peculiar and intense readerly emotion. One part of my brain couldn’t wait to get to the next big revelation, and I found myself wanting to leapfrog from paragraph to paragraph, hurtling toward each looming climax. Meanwhile, another part of my brain was watching the dwindling final pages with dread, knowing that things would be over soon, and wishing to linger with each sentence and character a little while longer."

Overall Rating: 5 out of 5 stars (And it's the first in a trilogy!)

You Will Enjoy This Book if You Like: "Andromeda Strain" by Michael Crichton or Bradbury's "The Martian Chronicles"
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"A Storm of Swords" and "A Feast for Crows"
by George R. R. Martin

Note: I am reviewing these two books together as they are part of a series and simply too enterwined to review separately.

The third and fourth installments of the staggeringly epic saga that began with "A Game of Thrones" and continued in "A Clash of Kings" are one of the more rewarding examples of "bigger is better" in contemporary fantasy. As the richly imagined kingdom of Westeros slides closer to its 10-year winter, both the weather and the warfare worsen. In "A Storm of Swords", House Lannister uneasily rules from the Iron Throne in the north. With the aid of a peasant wench, Jaime Lannister (the Kingslayer), escapes from jail in Riverrun. Jaime goes to Robb Stark to secure the release of Joffrey's prisoners, Robb's sisters, Arya and Sansa. Meanwhile, in the south, Queen Daenarys tries to establish her claim to various thrones with an army of eunuchs, but discovers that she must choose between conquering more and ruling what she has already taken. In "A Feast for Crows," Brienne of Tarth is looking for Lady Catelyn's daughters, Queen Cersei is losing her mind and Arya Stark is training with the Faceless Men of Braavos. The complexity of characters such as Daenarys, Arya, and Jaime will keep readers plowing through the vast number of pages contained in these volumes, for the author makes us care deeply about their fates.

Kelli's thoughts: I can't even keep my obvious appreciation for these books out of my synopsis above. Simply put, this is the best series I have ever read. Considering that I've been reading adult-level books since the age of five and that I read at a rate of about 50 books a year, that's saying something. The characters, the dialogue, the characterization, the plot development - all are practically flawless. These books hover around 600 pages, but you barely notice the time spent in reading them because you're so absorbed in what's going to happen next. Something else that must be mentioned is Martin's amazing ability to relate such sensual experiences as the heat of wildfire, the smell of the sea, and the sheer indigestibility of the medieval banquet at its most excessive. Fair warning though, Martin plays for keeps - his characters are in *real* danger and don't always make it out alive

Overall Rating: 15 out of 5 stars (It' s my system - I can do whatever I want ! :P)

You Will Enjoy These Books if You Like: medieval history, the works of J.R.R. Tolkien or Robert Jordan
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"The Hunger Games," "Catching Fire," and "Mockingjay"
by Suzanne Collins

Collectively known as the "Hunger Games" trilogy, these three books follow the exploits of Katniss Everdeen, a teenager who volunteers to participate in her society's annual gladiatorial games in a "Thunderdome"-style arena. Once a year the government chooses two children from each of the twelve districts to compete against one another in a live and televised reality show. Twenty-four teens enter, and only one survives. (Katniss volunteers when her younger sister's name is chosen.) The series covers not only Katniss' participation in these brutal (Teenagers killing each other with as much remorse as feral animals!) games, but also her growing resentment towards (and rebellion against) her Orwellian government. To complicate matters, Katniss is also torn between two suitors - one more suited to who she is and one more suited to who she could become.

Kelli's thoughts: these are designated "Young Adult" fiction, but "Anne of Green Gables" they certainly are not. Suicide bombers, torture, the slaughtering of children - some heavy themes to be sure. The real gore is mostly "off screen," which sometimes makes it all the more frightening. I mean, I can probably imagine worse than what someone can write. Great dialogue, smart writing, well-paced action. Oh, and then there's the fact that this is a dystopian novel where the author has actually managed to create a believable future; no made-up slang here, or casual references to extinct dolphins. My only complaint is the ending; admittedly, you can't please everyone and no matter what she chose, the author was bound to alienate someone. However, I never totally bought the relationship Katniss has with the boy she eventually chooses (Trying not to spoil anything here - if you've read the books, give me shout and tell me if you agree.); I didn't feel like it was in keeping with the fiery nature of the character. Regardless, these books are both terrifying and amazing.

Overall Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

You Will Enjoy These Books if You Like: "The Running Man" by Stephen King or Horace McCoy's "They Shoot Horses, Don't They?"
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Okay - I have to stop... even though I have four more books to review! ("The Help" by Kathryn Stockett, Ally Condie's "Matched," as well as "Fallen" and "Torment" by Lauren Kate) Stay tuned, gentle readers. Cross my heart that the next set of reviews won't take so long to see the light of day.